I don't even know.....

It is going to sound sad and pathetic, it is going to sound like I am crying in my beer, it is going to sound like I need to just get over it, but sometimes you need to vent, sometimes you need to let it out, and sometimes you just need to admit to yourself the truth......So this is what it is going to be about tonight.

I have one happy place....my daughter! I love her and being with her and looking at her happy face is my one and only happy. But for the rest.....I don't know what happy is.........I thought I had happy for 13 years, I really did, I believed that my life was happy and that I was in a happy relationship.....I was wrong. I didn't know (I am really that cliche) I didn't know that the person I was with didn't love me, I didn't know he wasn't happy. Was I blind? I communicated my feelings, I made sure he was happy, I paid attention to my relationship....so how did I miss it? So after all of that, I no longer know what happiness is........I don't know how to be happy with what I have and not questions everything about that happiness.....I want to be happy and just accept that I am happy and have great things in my life! Work is good, but I still question all of my decisions. I try to remind myself everyday to thrive in the good place where I am at, but noooooo, I have to be a pain in the ass on a continual basis (just ask anyone who works with me).

As I sit here and reread what I have written tonight, tears are rolling down my face. I feel sad that I have let myself get here. I am angry that I can't get past this point. I want to feel strong, I want to feel loved (yes, my friends, I know you love me, but you know what I mean!) and I want to stop questioning and second guessing myself. I never thought I would end up divorce and a single parent. I always believed that the person I was with loved me so much that he would always be there to love and support me...........but here I am, not different than a lot of people out there, but I am going to learn to be happy with how I am, what I am and be the best me possible.

I am not going to share a link for this blog anywhere, but I don't want to erase it either...I need it here so I can come back and read it again and again to remind myself to stop being sad and pathetic and be happy. I have so much anger this week and I am trying so hard to work through that! Some people think I am just a bitter, man hater that needs to get over it.........To you I say " I am doing the best I can", to myself I am saying that time will take care of this......I know, I hate that sentiment as much as the rest of you, but it does ring true! Dammit!


Happy - happy - happy - happy - happy - happy = my new mantra!

Blah...Blah....Blah.....

So lately I am feeling like my blog is just my personal bitch session. Am I really that pathetic and sad? This is no fun for everyone else to read if I am just going to bitch! But then I think, I don't have anything funny and witty to say so maybe bitching is all I have. Maybe that is just who I have become.....some sad, lonely, bitchy person....I hope not and will try everything in my power to not be like that, I will be a positive person with a fresh new outlook on life.

So how about an update on the online dating adventure.....I am not impressed! I really do think I wasted my money. I have paid a small fee for nothing.....Well maybe not nothing, now I know that older (much older) men are interested in women my age. But not the men my own age, they are interested in girls that are much, much younger! Talk about feeling inadequate. Everyone keeps telling me that you will find someone when you least expect it, so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I would like to find someone nice to go out and have an adult evening with (of the opposite sex, ladies our night out was awesome, but you know what I mean), but if everyone is right I won't find anyone if I am trying too hard. So, yet again, a no win situation.

I need to stress to everyone, I love being a mom and love my daughter very, very much, but I need to hang onto a little piece of me. I would not trade in being her mom in for anything, I just don't want to end up just being her mom. I want to be a fun, vibrant woman with many interest and that will help me be a better mom and teach her to be a vibrant, fun person in her own right! Does that make sense? Or am I just crazy? (Probably)

Thanks for reading again.......

By the way, I am so excited for the cooler weather...Fall and winter always make me feel better!!!

The downs and up of my week......a new soap opera title!

I didn't know it was possible for a divorce to be denied. I mean really?! No one I know has ever heard of such a thing! But it is true! People come to Reno for quickie divorces! I wanted to save money and find a way to file the divorce without getting an attorney, boy was that a mistake. It would have cost a lot more, but the headache and heartache would have been worth it! Lesson learned!

And the reason it was denied has nothing to do with either one of us, but with the custody issue and the child support issue. But I don't really understand and can't really say that for sure, because it actually is written in such a language that I am not even sure what is wrong.............Why can't it be written in plain old english without all the extra words, it just makes you feel stupid! So hopefully it is a quick fix and that the fix is free!


So that was the down, here is an up (well kind of).

So the whole denied issue sort of put me in a downward spiral for a couple of days, but I did a little retail therapy to help snap out of it and it did work! I got a pair of beautiful black boots! And I wore them out Saturday night!!!! I actually went out on Saturday night for a girl's night out! And I had a blast. We ate great food and I officially started drinking again.

We went to Brew Brothers and I ordered the beer sampler. I just wasn't sure what I was going to like after not drinking for so many years, so I wanted to try them all. Smartest thing I ever did!
So I ordered it and moments later 8 little glasses of beer showed up! Awesome! So what do I like? I like the dark beers! A good stout or a brown/red ale! I officially drink again!

Did I meet anyone of the opposite sex? No! There was one that was nice to look at, but I don't think I am brave enough to go up to someone and start a conversation. I would like to, but it did not happen. Any advice on this one would be a great help. And, I did stay out until midnight and I can't tell you the last time I did that! So it feels like I am taking the right steps to living life, but I have to admit it is a little exhausting! But worth it!


(You may have noticed that I use ! a lot - I like them, they make me feel good and when I am typing my blog I am usually being pretty passionate about it. Sorry if it bugs you!!!! !!!!!!)

I give up!

I give up! Well not really, but I want to! It seems that no matter what I do I cannot win this one!

What am I talking about this time? Not men! (Even I am sick of talking about that one, so I am sorry to all who have had to put up with me!) No I am talking about my weight. Ever since I started working out on my Wii, I have been gaining weight! Now all of my wonderful friends have been very supportive and telling me that I am gaining muscle weight and to not worry! I love you all, but I have to call Bull Shit on this one! If I was gaining muscle weight my clothes might be fitting me a little better! I would maybe feel stronger! Maybe even see a little definition! I just feel like my luck (or lack there of) is working like it always is - it is going the opposite of how it should be!

Now I know deep down inside that "the Number" on the scale should mean nothing! I do, I know that, but it does matter! It can make or break you and your emotions. You all know what I mean. Admit it, you know! I think I eat pretty good. I love vegetables and I tried to cut out all the junk food in my house. My only vice is coffee, but I even drink that black now so I could cut the calories back. You would think that working out 6 days a week for at least 1 hour a night would be helping a little, not making it worse!

So, would I be happier if I just gave up? Eat everything I want whenever I want?! On one side YES! I would love that! But I know I can't do that (damn it!) I will keep exercising and I will go on a diet! I will be a good girl (except I am going to start drinking again, that is a topic for another day) and I will find a solution.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Coffee date #2!

So, coffee date number 2 was this evening and it was better than coffee date #1. I hope this is a pattern that every time I meet someone new they will keep getting better. Don't get me wrong, he was very nice, looked like his picture from his profile, and you could tell he really loves his kids! But......I think he might be a little OCD! He fidgeted the whole time and proceeded to tell me how tidy he is, even with 3 young boys. (Me, not so much!) Now don't get me wrong, tidy is not bad, some of my very best friends are very tidy, (you know who you are) but to be OCD about it, No! I am not a slob or anything, but if there is a little clutter around and I have to choose between sleep and cleaning up, sleep wins!

I actually did think he was going to stand me up because he was about 15 minutes late and with my luck lately, I was sure he was a no show. The whole online dating thing is just not moving too quickly. Again, I am catching the eye of men who are a little long in the tooth for me! I am probably being too picky! I know it, but I am not comfortable dating someone younger than me and I don't want them to be too old, the problem is that men my age want to date younger girls (ok, I know that is a generalization, but this is my blog so I can generalize however I want) who are slender, in shape and with no baggage! Good luck buddy there is no such thing!

Ok, back to date number 2, he was just OK. I was sitting across from him thinking.....Do I want to be kissed by this guy and I could honestly answer....no, I don't think so! One thing really funny about him is that he is less outdoorsy than I am and if you know me at all that is pretty bad! When it came to the topic of being outside and doing outside things he was prissy, for lack of a better word. Is there something wrong with me wanting a man who doesn't mind being a little dirty, knows how to use a hammer, and knows how to kiss really good? Am I asking for too much, really?!

I GUESS SO! Silly me!

So my solution lately is working out to get rid of my frustrations. It seems to be working! Now, I am not hitting the gym or running miles and miles, but instead I bought a Wii fit, and I love it! It was my way of working out and not having to worry about what I was going to do with my little one! So after she goes to bed and I get everything ready for the next day I exercise for about an hour every night and then I am too tired to feel lonely and frustrated. It is working.....I haven't lost a pound, but my pent up frustrations are getting worked out with step aerobics and boxing! At this rate I should be in the greatest shape of my life by next year!

Don't be shocked!

One of the hardest parts about getting a divorce is the lack of physical affections, you know sex. I am not having any at all, none, nothing.......did I mention none? Now don't get me wrong, I am not a nyphomaniac, no really, I'm not, it is just that before I got pregnant I was getting some attention, my ex was trying to cover the fact that he did not love me anymore, so I was getting regular attention, now.........nothing!

So the problem has been stated, now the solution.....I am trying to meet men. I am on an online dating service, but as you may have read in previous blogs that is not going so good. (I do have a coffee date on Wednesday, so I will let you know how it goes.) Even if I did meet someone it would take a little time before I was comfortable enough to take a relationship to a physical level, especially since I was with the same person for such a long time. So I sort of feel like I am in a no win situation. So, what is the solution? Friends with benefits? I just don't think I would be very good at that, I would get too emotionally attached! Electronics......no, I live the living, breathing types!

I have to admit that I do feel silly being sad about this, but it is really getting to me! I am an affectionate person. I love holding hands and hugging in public. I love an old fashion make-out session. I love to snuggle. I just don't know what the solution is. I don't know what to do. I think I should stop complaining about this before you decided that I am totally pathetic and should just get over it (that is what I think).

Ok, I am now done complaining about my personal frustrations! Any advice you have, I would love!

When did it happen????????

I don't know when it happened. I must have had my head buried in the sand or something, but when did it become the rare thing for people to say "Please" , "Thank you" or even "Have a great day"? When did it become so serious when you make an honest mistake that did not threaten anyone's life, no one died and the end of the world did not come about?

I miss common courtesy and humanity. I forget for a minute there that we are not allowed to be human and that we should not expect people to be polite. Ok, so I have been working in Customer Service for too long! I no longer have the patience for rudeness. You know it is really bad when I go to other stores (where I don't work) and end up giving their staff customer service. I usually ask how they are doing before they do and I always say thank you and have a great day. You should see the looks I get from people - you would think that I had grown a second head that was spinning.

I also get really embarrassed when I am out to to eat with someone and they are not nice to the server. It makes me want to apologize and beg for forgiveness or at least crawl under the table. I was once out to dinner with an older couple and the husband didn't wait to be seated, he picked the table he wanted and just sat down and then he snapped for the waitress to come. I wanted to die!!!!! I just couldn't believe it, who does that? There should be one major rule of thumb when it comes to people who handle your food, coffee or other personal items.......be nice, they are touching the items you will be putting in your mouth. Now I am not saying that anyone in the service industry would ever do anything to anything, but still why take the chance? Why not be nice?

I don't know....maybe I am just naive, maybe I have too much of a positive attitude about how we should treat each other. Can't we all just get along, man? In an indirect way this is me venting about work today and having made one little mistake, again, no one died and no one's safety was threatened, but I was referred to as only having half a brain and then was called a liar. Wow, it is so good to know there are people in the world who have never made a mistake.

OK.....my venting is over! Thanks!