I don't even know.....

It is going to sound sad and pathetic, it is going to sound like I am crying in my beer, it is going to sound like I need to just get over it, but sometimes you need to vent, sometimes you need to let it out, and sometimes you just need to admit to yourself the truth......So this is what it is going to be about tonight.

I have one happy place....my daughter! I love her and being with her and looking at her happy face is my one and only happy. But for the rest.....I don't know what happy is.........I thought I had happy for 13 years, I really did, I believed that my life was happy and that I was in a happy relationship.....I was wrong. I didn't know (I am really that cliche) I didn't know that the person I was with didn't love me, I didn't know he wasn't happy. Was I blind? I communicated my feelings, I made sure he was happy, I paid attention to my relationship....so how did I miss it? So after all of that, I no longer know what happiness is........I don't know how to be happy with what I have and not questions everything about that happiness.....I want to be happy and just accept that I am happy and have great things in my life! Work is good, but I still question all of my decisions. I try to remind myself everyday to thrive in the good place where I am at, but noooooo, I have to be a pain in the ass on a continual basis (just ask anyone who works with me).

As I sit here and reread what I have written tonight, tears are rolling down my face. I feel sad that I have let myself get here. I am angry that I can't get past this point. I want to feel strong, I want to feel loved (yes, my friends, I know you love me, but you know what I mean!) and I want to stop questioning and second guessing myself. I never thought I would end up divorce and a single parent. I always believed that the person I was with loved me so much that he would always be there to love and support me...........but here I am, not different than a lot of people out there, but I am going to learn to be happy with how I am, what I am and be the best me possible.

I am not going to share a link for this blog anywhere, but I don't want to erase it either...I need it here so I can come back and read it again and again to remind myself to stop being sad and pathetic and be happy. I have so much anger this week and I am trying so hard to work through that! Some people think I am just a bitter, man hater that needs to get over it.........To you I say " I am doing the best I can", to myself I am saying that time will take care of this......I know, I hate that sentiment as much as the rest of you, but it does ring true! Dammit!


Happy - happy - happy - happy - happy - happy = my new mantra!